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Bob Shepherd, our resident polymath, essayist, humorist, and lexicographer, wrote the following rumination on Trump’s visit to Georgia last night. He was supposed to “get out the vote” for the two billionaire Republican Senators, but spent most of his talk complaining about how the Georgia state officials had cheated him, how the election was rigged against him, and airing his usual woe-is-me victim grievances:
Bob Shepherd wrote:
So, this is what I heard listening to Trump’s Toddler Rant last night in Georgia:
The Devil Went Down to Georgia, aka Bad Angels in America, a Screenplay
[“Bohemian Rhapsody,” by Queen, crescendos, then fades over voice of Announcer.]
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of the United States.
JABBA THE TRUMP: Good evening, GEEOR-JUH! So here we are. What’s this place? Dalton? Dalton, Geeorjuh. You gotta be kidding, right? What the heck am I doing here? They said to me, ‘Sir. You have to go to Dalton, Geeorjuh.”
“No way, I said.”
“But, Sir,” they said, “if you don’t go, the Republicans down there, they lose.” Pitiful, am I right? But it’s true. It’s true. Carpets, right? You make carpets here in Dalton, Geeorjuh. So, here I am. And I’m not even on the ticket. Not something I want to do, believe me. But they need me. Republicans, without me, they never win another election.
So, we love the great state of Geeorjuh. I had this guy, Jeff Sessions. Wanted to be Attorney General. He was from Geeorgia or someplace in the South. I know. Hayseeds, right? A long way from New York, I’m telling you. Terrible. Worst Attorney General ever. Worse than Barr, even. Barr couldn’t do the most simple thing I asked him. Send in the military around the country–the Army, the Air Force, the Marines. Trump’s military. Get the Communist Democrats, Antifa, the News Media. Look at them back there. The Media. What a joke, right? Just wait. Tomorrow, they’ll say, he threatened the media. Sessions. Wouldn’t fire Mueller during the fake Russia investigation. So, I said, Jeff, you’re fired. And then he tried to run for office. And he lost. Lost terribly. That’s what happens. Trump’s not behind you, you lose.
Because I’m a winner. Won this election you wouldn’t believe how much—millions and millions of votes. But they got dead people voting. Illegals. Democrats. Can you believe that? They’re allowing Democrats to vote. Crazy, believe me. 11,000 votes. That’s all I need. It’s Tuesday night. I’m well ahead. Ahead everywhere. And then at the last minute they bring in all these boxes and boxes of votes—millions of them—all Biden. By dead people and Democrats. Biden. I know. The worst. He’ll take your jobs. Your cows. He wants the country to be Venezuela. Terrible. But that’s the radical Democrat Communist agenda, folks. I was saying to Ivanka—where is Ivanka? Ivanka, come up here and say something.
IVANKA: Hello, Georgia. I’m not going to say much because Daddy would get mad and I don’t have a brain anyway, but thank you. Thank you for coming out tonight and showing that you want to draw the line in the sand. That you are going to support David Doodoo and Kelly Loofa because the president has their backs. The greatest president in the history of our country, my father, Guardian of the Galaxy, Donald J. Trump.
JABBA THE TRUMP: Thank you, Ivanka. Nice legs on her, huh? I always say, if she weren’t my daughter, I’d be dating her. So, they’re trying to steal the election. Rename your military bases where so many heroes fought and died, named after great hero slave owners and rebels against your country. Nobody knows the military like Trump. You got, what? What’s that? Fort Benning? I don’t know. Maybe they could call it Fort Trump. I’d be OK with that.
But we won. We won by a lot. They call me up and they say, Sir, I can’t believe how they’re trying to steal it from you. It’s a statistical impossibility. Biden got more votes than there were people in the whole history of the country. Cause they got these machines. Need votes? Just print them up. Millions and millions of votes. Oh, this is a vote for TRUMP? Throw that one out.
The two worst events in the history of our country. First the fake Russia investigation. Then they try to steal the election. I don’t know. Not since the Continental Army had to fight off the Communist invasion from CHAIY-nuh was it so bad. Touch and go. Touch and go. That’s how it will be for Republicans if the Supremes—I’m not very happy with them right now—don’t step up and fix this thing. You know, I flew down here on a great helicopter—Marine One—great helicopter. Not as good as the Trump helicopter. Not by a long shot. But good. Like those stealth planes. Since I rebuilt the military. Terrible. It was in terrible shape, and I rebuilt it. They got these stealth planes, they’re actually invisible. You could be standing right next to it, and they would say, what do you think of the plane? And you would say, What plane? Because you couldn’t see it. Incredible. Incredible. So, I flew down on Marine One. And it’s like touch and go. Touch and go. Like my connection to reality.
But you’ll see. We won the election. We’re still going to win. Just wait. You’ll see. Big things happening. And any Senator goes against me, like your Governor here in Georgia, I’ll be campaigning against them. I can promise you that. You’re done. Finished.
OK. Well, that’s about it. Just wait and see the next couple days. You’ll see. Going to be wild out there. Good night, Geeorgia. Now, get me the hell out of here.
[JABBA exits to music of “YMCA” by The Village People. Satan and the ghost of Roy Cohn dance onstage to the music. Crowd in MAGA hats–Moscow’s Asset Governing America–mills around aimlessly, like zombies in The Walking Dead, trying to remember what day it is, their own names, and where the exits are located.]